• 1960. “Our government’s confirmed that there are a number of Russian spies here now. If we're lucky, maybe they'll steal some of our secrets. -- then they'll be two years behind.”
• 1964. “I went to my dressing room between shows and an attorney for the NAACP was waiting for me. He wanted to know why I don’t have any Negroes in my act.”
• 1968. “Bill Moyers asked me if I had read the Warren Report. I told him I did. He said, ‘What did you think?’ you know -- like we were discussing any other work of fiction.”
• 1973. “Nixon’s the kind of guy that if you were drowning fifty feet off shore, he’d throw you a thirty foot rope. Then Kissinger would go on TV the next night and say that the President had met you more than half-way.”
• 1984. “A Yuppie is someone who defines courage as eating in a restaurant that hasn't been reviewed yet.”
• 1987. “George Washington couldn’t tell a lie. Nixon couldn’t tell the truth. And Reagan can’t tell the difference.”
• 1988. “You all remember Kent State, don’t you? That’s what made Dan Quayle think of the National Guard as combat service.”
• 1989. “People are always coming up to me and saying, ‘My kid is a conservative. How did that happen?’ I have to remind them, ‘Remember in the 60’s when they told you that if you kept using drugs your kids would become mutants?”
• 1990. “Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions. Conservatives feel they deserve everything they stole.”
• 2000. "There were four million people in the Colonies and we had Jefferson and Franklin. Now we have over 200 million and the two top guys are Gore and Bush. What can we learn from this? Darwin was wrong!"

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